How Healthy (Or Not) Is Your Marriage? (Marital Survey)
Written By: Mark Smith
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Choose a number from one to five for each question—five meaning strongly agree and one meaning strongly disagree. Encourage your spouse to take the test as well and average your scores for a more accurate picture of the current health of your marriage.
1. I feel as if my opinion really influences my spouse.
2. Both my spouse and I are able to make deep, heartfelt apologies to each other when necessary.
3. Neither my spouse nor I are particularly jealous.
4. We make passionate love frequently enough to suit both of us.
5. There is a fair division of labor in our home (include wage earning in this assessment).
6. We usually resolve conflicts calmly, assertively and respectfully.
7. Once issues are resolved, they aren’t brought back up again reactively in future fights.
8. We share some common hobbies and interests.
9. Each of us is keenly aware of our blind spots, shortcomings and failures.
10. Neither of us are controlled or impacted strongly by addictive behavior of any sort (alcohol, drugs, work, TV, food, sex, spending).
11. We are both able to share on a deep emotional level with each other.
12. Neither of us regularly vents their anger about the marriage to a third party (friend, family member, therapist).
13. We trust each other completely.
14. My spouse is my best friend.
15. We both receive criticism well from each other, without becoming defensive or reactive.
16. We are still highly attracted to each other.
17. I feel supported, accepted, nurtured and highly valued by my spouse.
18. We take turns playing the role of pursuer in our relationship.
19. My spouse’s irritating habits really aren’t that irritating to me.
20. My spouse and I function well as a parenting team, as we share the same basic child rearing philosophies. (If you do not yet have children, discuss parenting philosophies to see how well matched you are in the future and then assign a number.)
21. We are on the same page (or within a couple pages!) when it comes to handling finances.
22. We take almost all of our vacations together.
23. Even though we are both very busy, we both still feel the original spark in our relationship.
24. My spouse shows concern and takes care of me when I’m sick.
25. We share the same basic spiritual and political values.
125 Get real – either you just got married yesterday or you are in some serious denial!
124 – 100 You are still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Take the test again in three to five years.
99 – 85 You have a good marriage. You will need to continue working to maintain what you have built.
84 – 75 You have a solid foundation, but there is a lot of work to be done.
74 – 65 There are some significant issues present. You should not put off marital therapy for long.
64 – 75 This marriage will not last long if you do not seek help soon.
54 – 0 Run immediately; do not walk to our office on North Meridian!
If your score turned out to be surprisingly low don't despair. People can and do change. They just need effective professional direction. They need a road map (a paradigm) that is proven and true. They need to be understood and not judged. They need to be heard. In such an environment, most people are willing to experience some initial pain and adjusting in order to avoid the pain of a possible divorce. I tell my clients that you only really need three things in order to build a healthy interÂ¬dependent marriage: (1) At some point having some chemistry or psychological connection; (2) Two people who are accountable, psychologically open, teachable and willing to roll up their sleeves and work hard; and (3) Time-lots of time. On the wall of the YMCA where I play basketball there is a poster listing the keys to a happy life. Number one on the list is having a good marriage. Getting that right is so important to the rest of our mental health and happiness. The key to your spouse changing for the better is you getting the focus of your unhappiness off of them and on to yourself in a proactive program for personal growth. I hope that the survey has disturbed those of you who have been comfortable or contented in an unhappy marriage. Life is too short to be unhappily married year after year. Do something about it!
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