Voracious Emotionally Abandoned People Lack Sexual Boundaries
Written By: Mark Smith
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Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and nothing like Robert Redford--but you'll take him anyway.” ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975
In my first few months as a therapist way back in 1987, I worked with a couple who was way too broken for my pay grade. I didn't have a clue. The wife had some wickedly intense abandonment issues that I was ill prepared to deal with. One of the presenting problems was that the wife required a sexual connection each and every day, even if the husband was deathly ill. As a young husband with babies in the house and little time, energy, or inclination on my wife's part to do again the thing that made those babies, the presenting problem didn't really sound like that bad of a gig for a husband. But it actually was a bad gig. The man felt trapped by his wife's deep insecurities. I'll never forget the deep sadness in his face when he said "She makes me have sex every day even when I am deadly ill with the flu."
To his wife, the sexual connection wasn't about love, but rather about fear, abandonment, control, and insecurity. Obviously the loving thing would be to allow a sick man to rest and feel better without pressuring him for reassurances. To her, it felt like they weren't connected emotionally unless they had sex every day. She feared that another woman would steal her man away if she didn't care for his sexual needs every single day, even if the last thing he wanted or needed was to have sex on that given day. She’d badger and punish him if he didn't comply. Love gives your loved ones dignity and personal space. Space is healthy. Abandonment issues seek to trap, manipulate, control, and punish the objects of their sick, needy “love.” Love sees the other person's needs, Abandonment is trapped focusing on that horrible fear of being left all alone and worthess.
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