Marital, Family or Individual Therapist serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana

Stay Married
Written By: Mark Smith

CLICK THE BOOK to watch Mark Smith's new video introducing his E-Book 'Managing Abandonment Issues Through Recovery'

Click Here For information on Mark Smith's NEW E-Book 'Managing Abandonment Issues Through Recovery' - just released on October 12th 2012.

CLICK THE BOOK for more information about Mark Smith's insightful new 66 page E-Book 'The Basics For A Healthy Life and Marriage'

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To Watch Mark Smith's Video Introducing His E-Book
'The BASICS for a Healthy Life and Marriage' Understanding the Basics of
Codependency, Counterdependency, Shame, Abandonment, Intimacy and
Communication is vital in building healthy lives and marriages.
Mark Smith covers these topics and more in his edgy, informal, likable style.

Indianapolis Marriage Counseling InformationMarriage is hard. Very few people are blessed with the emotional health and skills needed to keep a marriage connected and vibrant for 30 plus years. Ok, you knew that already. That much is self evident for anyone who had been married for more than 10 years. So by 'Stay Married' am I saying that no matter what couples should stay married no matter what misery, destruction, addictive behavior, abuse or disrespectful acts are going on? No, I do not mean that. It takes two people and a lot of work on both parts to make a marriage liveable. If one of those persons is an out of control addict who has no plans of quitting their addiction, then divorce is the healthiest option. What I mean by 'Stay Married' is an encouragement for both parties to fully count the cost before ending the life of a marriage. Marriages are sacred. It is unnatural to rip them apart. It deeply changes the identities of everyone involved. Divorce is a horrible thing.

I am saying do all that you can do it salvage a marriage before you walk away. One person can create an environment that causes consequences to land on their spouse, thus possibly resulting in a more open heart for change. Divorce is especially pain around the holidays. So many painful special holiday memories come up again and again. Saving a marriage is worth the work. Twenty two years as a therapist has shown me that it takes the following five characteristics by both partners for a marriage to truly be re-built from the ground up. #1 Motivation to work on one's self - the goal must be to not point your finger at the other person but to humbly reflect on what is on your own plate, #2 Teachability - having flexible psychological defenses, an open mind, an open heart, #3 Pain - you have to be able to feel your feelings, to embrace what they are trying to tell you, #4 Trust - some people are so damaged by their childhoods that they do not know how to be led by anybody, they trust only themselves, trust is usually won in our feedback session process where we boldly name the marital issues in a kind but cutting manner, it is all about truth and #5 Trustworthiness - you have got to walk the walk after your course is laid out for you, quitters and the faint of heart need not apply.

I have seen hundreds of marriages rebuilt from disconnection or warfare to fresh beginnings that were better then what the couple had ever experienced before. It is all about the openess of the hearts of the couple involved. I have helped hundreds of couples go from hell and back. And I have witnessed divorces over virtually nothing due to the lack of openness of one or both hearts. When couples understand that there are no victims in marriage the whole atmosphere of the room changes. It gets safer. The bitterness and the judgements are gone. The focus is on healing the unresolved childhood wounds of both husband and wife. Rather than adversaries they become therapy buddies. The transformation from bitter, victimy, judgemental spouse to non-reactive, non-judgemental, insightful, accepting spouse is amazing. It is a transformation that I have had the pleasure and honor of affecting many hundreds of times. If both parties own their stuff then rebuilding the marriage is very do-able no matter what the issues are.

The following is my most recent article that has not been released or previously printed. It further discusses the price of salvaging a marriage. It is entitled 'Let Us Rock Your Marriage to Its Core!'

Does your marriage seem hopeless? Does it seem like kind effective communication with your spouse is utterly and pathetically impossible? Have you ever asked yourself why relationships, love and marriage are so difficult and so excruciatingly painful? Have you been to a marital therapist or two only to walk away with little progress, lots of meaningless psychobabble and ultimately less hope? You are not alone. The above paragraph describes the vast majority of my brand new clients. But they come to our offices having heard or read that we are different, that we can actually help them. They have heard that we don’t pull punches, that we accurately, courageously and bluntly called a spade a spade. They have heard that our approach rocks and they heard right!

Let me describe for you what differentiates our approach from other less experienced and less established practices. On September 4th we celebrated our 20th year as a vibrant, powerhouse fixture in our community. Marriage rocking therapy is about truth, confidence and respect. Great therapy isn’t about your spouse. It is ALL about you Skippy. Do not call us and come to our offices unless you are ready, willing and able to be confronted, enlightened and even assaulted (if need be) with the cold, hard truth about who you are, where you came from and why you married the person you married. I really only know one thing and I really only have one skill. The one thing that I know is that in the history of marriage there has NEVER been a victim because we ALL marry exactly the right person who gives us pretty much the same flawed, dysfunctional love that we got growing up from our parents. The one skill that I have is the ability to abrasively communicate that one thing I know deeply into the often resistant psyches of my clients. It is actually a fabulously wonderful and positive message. Our message of truth is that #1 your whole life from the day you were born to today makes all the sense in the world – there are patterns in your relationship history that fit, #2 your life is completely fair – your signed on for the lessons that you have an opportunity to learn in your relationship, #3 Nature, the Universe or God, however you view it, is using your relationship to reach, break and heal your deepest childhood wounds (whether you like it and cooperate with it or not) and #4 you and only you have the power and the responsibility to heal and fix you and your situation. It is a shame reducing message. The mess of your life is your responsibility but it is not your Fault. Abrasiveness is an awesome thing if breaks down walls of marriage smothering denial. We attempt to comfort the disturbed and to disturb the comfortable. We all have our ‘comfortable’ denials, half truths, rationalizations, blind spots and BS. It is all about denying the truth about ourselves.

This can leave you in a dark and crazy place. We are all about razor sharp psychological surgeries that reduce the cancers of marriage and life BS as small as possible.

Therapist generally have been taught to taught to passively nod their heads, stoke their beards and facilitate a process wherein you have to try to figure your own stuff out. Are you freakin kidding me? If you could figure it out yourself you wouldn’t be shelling out the big bucks for therapy. People want and need answers! One client described her former the
rapist as a sweet, jolly, huggy snowman who would never hurt a fly. That was nice but it didn’t help her much. She didn’t need a hug, she needed whacked in the head with the truth that she was not victimized in her marriage (even though everything pointed to that erroneous and destructive conclusion). You will not get sweet, jolly and huggy at Family Tree. You will get cutting edge Truth about you rigorously applied to your defenses in such a way that you will have an opportunity to humbly and proactively rebuild your life with depth, grace and empowerment. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention it but it also really hurts you to your very core. It connects you to that wounded little boy or girl from so long ago. That pain beats the heck out an unnecessary divorce though.

Indianapolis Marriage Counseling InformationAdult people sometimes do ugly things as they are driven by their unresolved childhood wounds. It is so much better to directly heal your wounds then replay them again and again in relationships. At their core most people are really beautiful and understandable. Get busy working on you today. That opportunity is a gift. And if you save and rebuild your marriage along the way then you are truly, truly blessed.

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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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