Marital, Family or Individual Therapist serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana

YOU are Responsible for How Well You are Loved
Written By: Mark Smith

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'The BASICS for a Healthy Life and Marriage' Understanding the Basics of
Codependency, Counterdependency, Shame, Abandonment, Intimacy and
Communication is vital in building healthy lives and marriages.
Mark Smith covers these topics and more in his edgy, informal, likable style.

Was marriage not unlike life, unstimulating and unprofitable and somewhat empty when too well ordered and protected and guarded. Was it not finer, more splendid, more nourishing, when it was, like life itself, a mixture of the sordid and the magnificent; of mud and stars; of earth and flowers; of love and hate and laughter and tears and ugliness and beauty and hurt. ~Edna Ferber, Show Boat, 1926

Indianapolis Marriage Counseling InformationAllow me to share my one of my favorite simple metaphors for combating victim stances in relationships. This time a snake is our teacher. ‘A man was hiking in the mountains when he came across a frozen snake. The man felt sorry for the snake and he decided to try to save the snake’s life by warming him by a fire. Sure enough, after several minutes, the snake began to thaw out, and he was OK. The snake then crawled over to the man and promptly lurched out and bit him. Since the snake was deadly poisonous and there was no medical attention available the man knew that he was going to die. He said, “Mr. Snake that hardly seems fair. I saved your life and now you have killed me.” Then the snake said, “Well that is what snakes do. It is our nature. Why did you pick me up?” The point isn’t that your spouse is a low down snake. The point is that you chose to invite that person into your life. Of all the women on the planet you picked a woman who was ultimately capable of the worst type of betrayal and you both her solely in charge of loving you. You made her your sole love provider. She didn’t put a gun to your head. You chose her. There were some red flags along the way that you either chose to ignore or you were too stoned on enmeshment to see.

If I am feeling victimized I go stand in front of a mirror and ask myself what I did or didn’t do that allowed this situation to occur. This awareness is life changing. Suddenly, I am in control and no one has the power to victimize me. ‘Victims’ sound whiny. They tend to want to ventilate or triangle their hurt and anger at or on third parties as a way of “getting things off their chests”. They come across as persecuting and bitter. They aren't pleasant to be around. Through the years I’ve heard so many sad stories from adult clients of (usually) mothers who remained trapped in debilitating bitterness after their husbands left them for another woman. Ultimately as much or more damage gets done to the next generation by victimy parents as by cheating parents. I am inviting you to take full responsibility for your life. To courageously face yourself and your childhood wounds. To proactively re-build your life regardless of what your spouse does or doesn’t do.

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This article was authored by Family Tree Counseling Associates, a marriage, individual and family counseling center serving the Indianapolis, Carmel, Fishers, Westfield and Noblesville communities in Indiana. If you would like to contact us, please fill out a contact us form or call us at 317-844-2442.
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